[FaC] Park Yoochun

So... Park Yoochun. I don't need to explain why I'm making this post. I also don't need to explain why keeping him in Forward and Counting would be... unwise. I'm choosing not to pick sides over it, and I mean that. Not assuming he's guilty, but not assuming that he isn't. Which is really difficult for more reasons than this one, but I won't go into detail about that here.

What I want to discuss is writing Yoochun out of FaC. Despite their size, both NMS and FaC are slice-of-life fics. There is no foreshadowing for things to come, because life has no foreshadowing, it just kind of happens. I might make Yoochun a bit more of an ass when I edit what is already posted, but that's for another time. Right now, I think it's best if YooMin break up and Yoochun leaves the apartment. As much as I hate to put Changmin through any more heartbreak when he's just starting to get back on his feet, he and Yoochun's romance is secondary to YunJae's and was always planned to be background fluffiness to whatever dramatic shit YunJae get themselves into. There will likely be a bout of heartbreak on Changmin's side, not to mention Junsu's and Jaejoong's, and a period of Changmin being single. But there will be another love in Changmin's future, cuz he deserves it. I'll also have to replan the entire rest of the story, but I was already planning on that, besides.

So what I need from y'all is opinions. Who the fuck should Changmin end up with? I only ship him with two people: Yoochun and Yunho, and Yunho is taken. Yoochun is going to break his heart. I have already set up a potential romance with Gackt, though I was never planning on utelizing it. It was just harmless flirting, but now... what do y'all think? I'll have to do some research on him to ensure he's not also a potential rapist or murderer or whatever, but if he isn't? He could come back. Changmin is also polyamorous, so he can also end up dating multiple men, so any suggestions at all are appreciated. I just don't want to make another OC. OCs as background characters are fine, but not within the main two couples.

Help me out? Gackt good? Gackt bad? Gackt + another non-acused-of-awful-crimes man?

Edit: Got 2 votes for Gackt, 1 against. Y'all are the greatest.

(P.S. And yes, I've decided to continue FaC. Not anytime soon, but eventually. I need to finish this godforsaken HoMin one shot and it is fighting me.)

(P.P.S. I've already had multiple discussions with people about keeping Yoochun in the story, and I've come to the decision that I should write him out. Guilty or innocent, I can't just hold on to this view of him in my head. If he turned out to be a major fucking asshole, yeah, but this is too serious a claim to not be affected by. I'm not interested in further discussions, so please just trust that I'm doing what is best for my own mental health. Thank you.)

[Status Update] Editing is a nightmare and I don't recommend it

So PTB (or whatever is the final title) is typed up, but editing it is turning into a nightmare. There are a few fight scenes in it, which aren't my strong suit, and some dark themes are explored but I'm trying to handle them in a way that lets the characters move forward and start healing instead of just dropping them into dark situations to be "edgy." So yeah.

So far, the fic is around 75k words, so you can imagine the amount of good I am going to feel when I can just ship it off to my beta and put it out of my mind for a while.

As far as FaC goes, I am absolutely planning on finishing it. I wanted to get to it this summer, but I just learned that I have to take summer classes, and I don't know if I'll have time. There is another fic I want to begin for Nirvana in Fire, a Chinese drama that has stolen my heart, but maybe I'll be able to trade off updates for each.

Honestly, most people haven't been reacting well to the more recent FaC updates, so it's a little disheartening. I know y'all had high expectations after NMS, because why wouldn't you. But it is my fic that I write to deal with my personal issues with identity and my brief stint with activism, and I'm depressed, transgender, aromantic, polyamorous, bisexual, have social anxiety, and quite frankly am just trying to surround myself with positivity right now. Believe it or not, that's what the boys in FaC have begun to do, but I keep getting messages about how they're in an "abusive" situation or Yunho doesn't love Jaejoong enough or as much as Changmin, or Changmin chose Yoochun as his second option (which ??? he's in love with both of them, but one he'd already established a foundation for a serious relationship with and the other was a total ass for three entire months, so yeah Yunho would be his first choice, but I digress).

If you've sent me a message asking for clarification about what Yunho and Changmin's relationship means and how that relates to Yunho's feelings for Jaejoong, this isn't referring to you. If I replied to your message in a civil manner just explaining things better, your message didn't upset me, so don't worry. But like... idk. I don't think I get much joy out of the story anymore cuz a lot of the messages have soured it for me.

And I know that the k-pop fandom, TVXQ/JYJ fandom included, has a very poor lack of poly, aro/ace spec, trans, and queerplatonic representation so a lot of y'all are confused, but that doesn't excuse being angrily and hatefully confused and flaming me. I've mentioned a few times that I'm writing this to deal with my own shit. It started as something different, but of course it did. I was a junior in high school. I identified as a cis lesbian (homosexual and homoromantic). Now I'm a senior in college and I... don't. And I deal with a lot more shit. Depression has hit a few times (it's hitting now).

Idk. I was planning on finishing it, but now I'm not so sure. It doesn't help the depression at all, not now.

But yeah, anyway, PBT will be posted on ao3 cuz of its length, but not anytime soon. Just wanted to let y'all know that it's done-ish.
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More stutusy stuff

So like I finally finished the journey part of the oneshot (there are 3 major parts, though the journey is the shortest; it's also the middle part), but I think I'm going to try to finish the entire story before typing it up. I have a nasty habit of editing for nine years straight, so I won't get back to writing anytime soon if I type it up right now.

Also I guess I'm also considering recording a reading of it for blind homin fans?? I mean I don't know how many blind people are fans of boy bands but??? Idk. There's smut, so if I did I'd cut that part out cuz fuck that. Not reading smut aloud even by myself.

Also school fucking sucks. I'm doing bad already and it's only just begun. I need to figure out a type of schedule or some shit.
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Why

Why can't I art? All I want to do right now is draw fanart of this stupid oneshot (because writing is straining my brain with these 5 fucking classes). But like I have so many ideas for fanart for it... and though My Love is an artist, she's stressed out as it is and I'm not gonna ask her to do fanart for my stupid fanfiction...

Ugh but like... Min laying with a wolf. Or Min in his assassin get-up. Or Changmin's dagger. Or Yun laying all naked with his scarred body and beautiful co--*chokes on coffee*

Not to mention that it would be nice to draw references for how people dress in Shilgavia and Jungor (they have different standards of dress, you see).

Anyway, why can't I art to save my fucking life??
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I don't hate Vegans

I don't. Just this vegan. My brother (2 years my senior) and his girlfriend of 3 years just went vegan and they love it. It gives them lots of energy and is good for their health and is all around a good thing for the both of them. And that's awesome.

(I'll add a cut when I get back to a computer)

The problem I have with it is that my brother won't shut the fuck up. I get it, I do. Human beings inherently (or at least statistically) have a need to express themselves and brag about things they do that they feel are awesome things. They like to talk about decisions that they feel have made them/are making them better people. And then they want other people to start doing these things with them, and they judge those who decide not to.

I, however, am a statistical outlier in that respect. Sure, I'll talk about a brand of coffee I stopped buying because the country that sells it is slaughtering animals or some such, but only if it comes up in conversation or I'm asked outright, "what have you begun doing to make yourself a better person?" (Which, surprising enough, isn't a question I'm asked often.)

Now, I'm nonbinary, but I make a point to be a gentleman. I don't talk about myself. I'll talk about the things that I do or books I'm reading, but not about my eating habits. If you're curious to know what I eat, you have to ask something along the lines of, "what is a typical breakfast for you? I can't seem to find a good balance when it comes to breakfast." If you ask point blank, "what are your eating habits like?" I won't answer unless you're my doctor or trainer at the gym. I'll be polite, say that I'd rather not disclose that kind of information. If you insist, I'll tell you to go fuck yourself. I have good reason to keep how I eat to myself; firstly, how I eat is my own goddamn business. It's my body. Secondly, I grew up as an overweight (sometimes dangerously so) child, and I am still a few inches bigger than I probably should be. This lead to a lot of unhealthy obsessing over my weight in high school, and I associated my self-worth with my size (later, I did so with my writing, but I've since grown out of either mindset).

Now, I've finally reached a point where I'm happy with how I look and how I eat and the way I go about eating. I look and the mirror and think "attractive" even on my dysphoric days. I'm comfortable with who I am, and that is an astoundingly difficult place to get to in today's westernized world.

Now my brother (who I love dearly) has gone vegan. I'm happy for him, because it seems to be a good decision for him. I tried going vegetarian once and it did not work out. But then he starts trying to tell me how worried he is for me and how much he cares for me and he wants me to be healthy. I tell him I am healthy, and I am. Blood work and blood pressure and vitals are fucking awesome, my doctor has assured me. But that's not enough to convince my so-very-caring older brother. He wants to know what I eat, how much of it I eat. He wants to be the judge of my health.

"I take care of myself," I say.

"How can I know that for sure?" he asks. "What does that mean?"

This is where we start bumping heads. I'm stubborn. My health is my problem, what I eat is my business, my body is mine and mine alone. So I tell him that he'll have to take my word for it, because I'm not telling him a damn thing.

I'm sick of my eating habits being put on display and scrutinized because of my size. I'm sick of being poked and prodded and told by people I haven't fucking asked how unhealthy I am.

I take care of myself, and here I feel comfortable talking about that. Here, on my personal journal, I can talk about how I drink a gallon of water a day, how I cook with coconut oil and drink almond milk and bake with tapioca and almond flour and eat an avocado a day and try to get in some leafy vegetables everyday. I use coconut sugar. I put on sunscreen before I drive. I do all of these things and a hundred more because my health matters to me. But does that make anyone less worthy just because they don't do the stuff I do? No! You want to eat white bread and white sugar and Starbucks and McDonald's? Go the fuck ahead.

I judge that because you are a grown-ass person, I have no right to pass judgment.

My point is that I shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone besides my doctor. If I'm aware of the harm I'm causing my body and not "bullshitting" myself (as my father would say), then what's the fucking point of wagging your finger at me?

Yeah, I could justify myself. But I shouldn't have to, bro.
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Thank the Fucking Universe

So took my computer into the Apple Store. The keyboard is fucked but I was able to get most of the files off of the hard-drive, so yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay this means I was able to save Prince of Wolves. Now I can stop obsessively writing down everything I can remember and go back to finishing it. The only holdup is that school has started again and I'm taking five classes with huge amounts of reading, so that sucks a ton. I'm trying to figure out a good plan for time management that'll allow for writing while still maintaining good grades. We'll see.

But yeah I nearly made out with the guy at the Genius bar. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stoked to have one of my children back.
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PSA: Shit

Okay this is fucking shitty but I might have to rewrite all of the oneshot. Last night my cat knocked over my water bottle onto my laptop. I have to let the laptop set to the side, off and turned upside down, for 3-4 days before I can turn it on and see if it still works. It's been randomly turning itself on, so I have hope that only the keyboard is damaged. If so I can get a USB keyboard and transfer Prince of Wolves (the homin oneshot) and a lot of other half-started fics that are on there onto a USB drive. My mother has a laptop she isn't using that she says I can borrow if I need to until I get another laptop (hopefully my father will have pity on me and get me one when he gets back to the States in February). It's just these files. So many files.

Why this isn't a whole issue is that I write everything by hand before typing it, so I have hard copies of mostly everything (not Ring Bearer, I believe, but it's been so long since I've worked on it that starting from scratch wouldn't be an issue). But Prince of Wolves? Losing that would be a cruel joke. I didn't have the starting passage written down because I couldn't think of it, so I'm over here trying to write down what I remember of it. There's so much that was edited in the digital copy, as well, like histories and factoids and small things that I didn't think of until I was typing. So much editing.

If I have indeed lost it for forever, I'll bite the bullet and rewrite it, but that'll take so much longer than I intended to be writing this, and FaC will be pushed back even farther.

I'm so sorry guys.
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Woot woot

Yay! (I recently learned that yay is actually spelled "yea" but fuck that shit.) I have finally finished mapping out the rest of the story. I was totally unsure about it because there were fifty fucking ideas careening around in my brain and it seemed impossible to get them into a coherent order. I'm not certain that it'll all tie in together. Fan fictions typically have one climax (or one overarching climax with smaller climaxes that tie into the all powerful alpha-climax). This... isn't that. I don't know. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm being hard on myself.

Either way, I'm confident that this will be entertaining to those of you who read it. I like it. It might be a little vague, but it's likable. I'll get back to writing now.
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Well, fuck.

Okay, I know I just posted a status entry, but I mean it when I say I'm back. I'll probably post a few more as I continue writing this oneshot.

Now, the issue is that I've never written a historical fic before. Honest. Like, this isn't truly historical. It's in a fictional realm, set in a time where several different points in history are happening at once. So we got something as crazy as Changmin's father (the King) marrying off his sons (something that never really happened), sign language (though Yunho is mute, so it's kind of created for and mostly by him, so I guess it's okay???), the transition from Druidism to Christianity (I have no clue if Druidism even was the primary religion in the U.K. (the realm is in a fictional portion of the United Kingdom) before Christianity spread, but I guess I can say so for my fictional realm that's in a fan work???), assassins (I swear to god this is turning into gay Assassin's Creed against my will), homo-fucking-sexuality in the royalty (though that actually did happen a few times so… yeah), and like… other stuff.

And I suck at it. No joke. The pacing for this fic is out of fucking control. What's the climax of the story? Don't know? Neither do I! I think I can somehow tie it all up, but I seriously suck at this. I guess that's why it's an experiment. I hope you guys still like it a little bit, though. Those of you who read my HoMin, in any case. Yunho and his kingdom are pretty cool. They have wolves ad shit. They're also pretty… Spartan. That's the only way I can describe it.

Also there's a thing with the family crests. Like these animals are important. I wouldn't say spirit animals because that's offensive to Native American people, but like… patronuses. Anyway, 40,000 words. Shouldn't be more than 60,000, but if it is… Well, you'll know, because I'll post it.
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